She loves Allah and is worried about her sins

Question: 329145

I am twenty-one years old. I went through some physical and psychological problems and did not go to university. I stay at home doing nothing, and I feel depressed. I have lost some relatives who were very dear to my heart. After that, I repented to Allah, may He be exalted, and I began to pray regularly and to read Quran, but I still do not know much about religion and I fear the wrath of Allah, may He be exalted. I issued fatwas without knowledge, then I came to know the ruling on that, and I am afraid of the punishment of Allah, may He be exalted. I became very sad and unable to focus. Every time I tried to watch what I say I slipped. I have a problem with wudu because of my nervous colon. When I start to pray, I become very anxious for fear of breaking my wudu and praying without being in a state of purity. Sometimes I deny things and sometimes I do not. I am afraid of the wrath of Allah, may He be exalted. When I heard about righting wrongs, I asked some people to forgive me, and there remains my grandmother, but she has died, and this is what gives me sleepless nights. I am very worried, every time I feel cheerful and repen tto Allah, I am afraid that I am one of the people of Hell and I am afraid of the punishment of the grave. I love Allah, may He be exalted, very much and I accept every test and trial He gives me. I always repeat the words: If this is a test out of love from You, I accept it. I love Allah, may He be glorified, but I am afraid of the evil of my own self and that my sins will lead me to doom. I love and support the religion. I want some words of reassurance that will make me feel that I am following the right path.

Answer

Praise be to Allah, and peace and blessings be upon the Messenger of Allah and his family.

Firstly:

Give thanks to Allah for having enabled you to repent and regularly pray and read Quran. What you said about loving Allah, may He be exalted, loving religion, and being worried about your sins is indicative of much goodness. This is how the believer is: he loves Allah, hopes for His mercy and fears His punishment.

But we advise you to do two things:

1. Think positively of Allah, may He be exalted, for He is kind, most merciful and loving, and He does not let His slave down or dash his hopes. He is as His slave thinks He is; if a person thinks positively of Him, He will give him what is good.

It was narrated that Abu Hurayrah (may Allah be pleased with him) said: The Messenger of Allah (blessings and peace of Allah be upon him) said: “Allah says: ‘I am as My slave thinks I am, and I am with him when he calls upon Me.’”

Narrated by al-Bukhaari (7405) and Muslim (2675).

According to Ahmad (16059) with a saheeh isnaad: “I am as My slave thinks I am, so let him think of Me as he wishes.”

2. Do not overstep the mark with regard to fear and go to extremes therein, for that may lead to despair. As for sins, once a person has repented from them, they are erased and turned into good deeds, so do not let thinking about them paralyze you. Rather you should focus on striving to increase in righteousness and turning to Allah, by doing a lot of acts of worship and obedience, such as praying, fasting, remembering Allah, reading Quran, honouring your parents, upholding ties of kinship, and giving people their dues. For life is short, and Paradise is of different levels, and the one who is blessed is the one who strives for the highest levels.

Offer a lot of du‘aa’ (supplication) for your grandmother. If you owed her money, they give it to her heirs, and if the matter was something intangible, then pray for forgiveness for her and speak of her good qualities to those who knew her.

Secondly:

That which is certain cannot be dispelled by doubt. When someone does wudu, it remains valid so long as he is not certain that it has been broken. So pray and let your mind be at rest; ask Allah, may He be exalted, to grant you healing and well-being.

For more information, please see the answer to question no. 283800.

We ask Allah to fill your heart with happiness and contentment, and to include you by His mercy among His righteous slaves.

And Allah knows best.

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