They are suffering because their children are rebelling and refusing to go to the government school

Question: 102022

We sent some of our children to what is called Dar al-`Ulum (an Islamic school), even though it was far away and was very costly, which led to us not being able to see them very often, especially the girls. Four or five years after that, something very bad was done to our daughter by those in charge of the school. When we found out about that, we almost died of grief, because it never entered our minds that people who claim to be righteous could do such things. We withdrew the children from the school and brought them back home, and we sent them back to the government school.

All of them went back to school except one. He is a hafiz and refuses to go to a government school. He has spent the last five years in his room, playing computer games.

All of them are rebellious and angry, because we did not let them complete their Islamic studies.

Now, after five years, we – their parents – are suffering from feelings of frustration, helplessness, anxiety, stress and regret for having sent them to these places that are run by evil people.

How are they going to be able to live and spend on themselves without acquiring a proper education?

We have tried to get professional help, but they refused to cooperate. Moreover, they are not interested in the issue of marriage.

We are seeking your advice and help in the light of Islam. What must we do, and where did we go wrong?

Answer

Praise be to Allah, and peace and blessings be upon the Messenger of Allah and his family.

What you did of sending your children to that school to learn Islamic knowledge is something which is indicative of your concern to raise your children well and teach them their religion. We ask Allah, may He be Exalted, to reward you for that.

What happened to your daughter there, the bad thing that you refer to, is regrettable and is a cause for grief, because it is expected that these Islamic schools should be the best in taking care of what they are entrusted with and the people in charge of them are expected to be people of good conduct.

However, we should note that the real start of the problem was sending your children away from your supervision and care, regardless of the type of learning that you sent them there to study, and no matter who was responsible for this decision, especially if there were females among them. But Allah decrees and whatever He wills happens, and we must learn a lesson from the past, even if it is hard and bitter.

To deal with the problem that you mention, we offer you the following advice:

1.

Try to get close to your children; sit with them, speak frankly with them, find out about their wishes and inclinations, and ask them what they suggest, so that they will feel that they are part of the solution, and that they must make decisions on which their future will be based.

This is one of the most important means of dealing with the problem. When the atmosphere at home becomes an atmosphere of love, it will become possible to find a solution to a lot of problems and crises, especially if they feel that you fell short and made mistakes with them. So try your best to correct this idea, and show them that you are eager to achieve what they want, as much as you can.

2.

Try to get them involved in the Muslim community and the place where you are living, and try to find righteous friends for them.

3.

Continue teaching them Islamic knowledge, through Islamic centres or open universities, or bring someone to teach them and direct them.

4.

Send the rebellious son to another Islamic school, to fulfil his wish and reduce the tension in the home, and to reduce the impact [of his rebelliousness] on his siblings.

5.

Look for means of education other than government schools that they will like, such as long-distance learning over the Internet, and so on.

6.

Constantly offer supplication for them to be guided, for Allah, may He be Glorified, guides whomever He wills, and people’s hearts are between two of the fingers of the Most Gracious, and He directs them however He wills.

If the matter requires moving the whole family from the place where they are living, to a place where the children will be able to continue their studies, and to get out of the crisis that you are living through, which is affecting the whole family, then do not deprive yourself or your children of that. Even though it is very difficult to make sacrifices in such a situation, and even though it often costs a great deal, any sacrifice is easier than sacrificing your children and their future, and any cost is easier to bear than what you are suffering and living through now.

We advise you to consult good and righteous people among those who are close to you and who know your children and how they are.

We ask Allah to help and guide you.

We ask Allah to make things easy for you, and to guide our offspring and yours, and make them supporters of His religion.

And Allah knows best.