Should she try to bring up her children in a Muslim country or take them to join her husband in Britain?

Question: 145454

I would like some advice concerning my situation and wish to share a bit of background with you so you can fully understand my situation.

I am a married sister with 3 children. One from a previous marriage. Two years ago I moved to Algeria alone without my husband and older son who is from the previous marriage; he did not wish to come to Algeria and wanted to study in the U.K. And so my husband is working in the U.K and taking care of my son,
and I live in Algeria with 2 of my children, a daughter aged 13 and a son aged 4. At present my daughter goes to a Muslim school here and was planning the same for my younger son . Me and my husband agreed to live this way and agreed to him coming to see u every 3 months, which he does alhamduillah .

While I have lived here alone this time I have found the family of my husband who are not very practicing, not supportive, and weeks go by when me and my children don’t see any one within the family. And when we do, I find myself just hearing backbiting amongst them, which I dislike hearing and none likes to hear the truth when told it’s wrong.

So I am taking care of myself and my children alone; I wear niqab as it is really a world full of men here and at times I hate to go out, but must to meet the needs of my children

Brother, I have tried so hard living here but have reached a point I no longer wish to live alone in a country were I don’t speak the language as I am a revert to Islam and without my husband. I have asked my husband to come here to live but it’s difficult because my son is still only 18 and has gone astray mixing with girls since I left him alone as my husband works most of the day, so my son is left alone .
And the pain and guilt I feel because of the behaviour of my son is on my shoulders even though I have showed him so many times it is haram . So my husband cannot live here at this stage because of these points, so I see myself and children living her alone year after year alone if Allah wishes me in the life this long.
So I have been thinking I should return and unite my family; we are so lonely here

Alahmduillah, I love being in a Muslim country and it breaks my heart to leave, but I must be with my family, so when I told my husband about my feeling he was not happy at all and said what about the children, it is not good to bring them back to a non-Muslim country . Which only made me feel even worse as I then felt I was in a corner and it wasn’t about bringing the family together, but just his 2 children staying in a Muslim land.

Which I understand and live it so I know the beauty of that masha Allah, but being alone is the issue. No husband, no father, no mahram.
So brother, where do I stand on this matter? I am so confused and have prayed my istikharah twice now and still feel confused; each day is different and most of all the guilt is the most painful because I feel and know my husband is not happy for me to return for good to the U.K with the children.

As a wife I feel let down, that the bond of our marriage is not as strong as I thought and feel I’m in a corner because if I do return, if any problems arise my husband will blame me for it all.

Brother, I ask for your advice in this matter; what is the best to do in this situation.

Answer

Praise be to Allah, and peace and blessings be upon the Messenger of Allah and his family.

Firstly:

Settling in a kafir country is not permissible unless certain conditions are met, the most important of which are that the one who does that is sufficiently religiously committed to protect himself against desires; he has sufficient knowledge and insight to protect himself against specious arguments; he is able to practice his religion openly; and he feels safe for himself and his family. For further details on that, please see the answers to questions no. 13363 and 27211.

Secondly:

There is no doubt that taking the children and moving to this country involves many serious dangers to their religious commitment and morals, especially for girls at the adolescent stage. It seems that this is the reason why your husband does not want you to go and join him. It is not appropriate for you to interpret that as meaning that he does not love you and that the bond between you has become weak. You should not think that your husband is happier when he is far away from his wife and children. The Shaytan is keen to exploit such matters in order to spread poison and provoke doubt and suspicion. So you should beware of that.

Weighing up between staying in a country where you feel like a stranger and feel lonely, but you do not have to worry about your children’s upbringing, and moving to a country where there are many dangers to a sound upbringing and there are great possibilities of going astray, is something that requires careful study and examination of all possible circumstances. It may be that no one can do that except both of you. So seek the help of Allah and consult one another about this matter; discuss it from all angles whilst focusing on the pros and cons. Islam came to achieve and perfect what is in people’s best interests, and to ward off and reduce what may corrupt them. We will present a few points to you that could help you to weigh up these matters.

Your daughter may be able to study in an Islamic school in the United Kingdom. This may strengthen the case for you moving to join your husband. Then you would be reunited, you will no longer feel lonely and both of you would be able to attain the rights prescribed in sharee‘ah of shelter, love and stability, and thus your husband will be able to supervise his oldest son, and direct him and ward off a great deal of harm from him.

Similarly, if it is possible for your daughter to follow a course of study through distance learning in the United Kingdom or elsewhere, so that she will be safe from the evil effects of mixing, that will support the idea of your moving.

If your need for your husband is urgent and you fear for yourself if you stay alone, then you should definitely move so as to ward off this problem.

Your choice should not involve your daughter studying in a mixed school, because there is no doubt that mixed schools are haram and organised studies are not obligatory for girls; rather a girl is required to learn what she needs of her religion, and this can be achieved through many means, such as attending classes and seminars, benefitting from Islamic centres, satellite channels, the internet and so on, if there is someone who can support the girl such as a father or mother or husband. Then it is not essential for her to study with the aim of getting a job. The necessity of preserving religious commitment takes precedence over completing education or attaining high positions.

What we are inclined towards in general is to bring the family together in one place, even if that means missing out on some benefits, because the problems that result from the family being scattered are greater than the benefits thereof, as it appears to us.

We ask Allah to help and guide you both.

And Allah knows best.

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