Mistreated by Mother-in-Law

Question: 172930

We stay separately from my husband’s parents but they come to visit us often. My mother-in-law speaks to my parents very rudely and she verbally abuses me as well with all the choicest of abuses. I as well as my parents have never spoken against her. She makes up things on her own and tells them to my husband and her other kids as well. My elder sister in law believes whatever she says and she abuses me and my parents as well. My bother-in-law, who stays with us, supports me as he knows what his mother has been doing. My husband also knows about it but he cannot speak against his parents and does not speak for me. I do not speak against them for fear of Allah. Please advise.

Praise be to Allah, and peace and blessings be upon the Messenger of Allah and his family.

One of the most difficult problems awife may face in her life is if her husband mistreats her by listening to what his mother says about what she did not say or do. One of the good things in yourcase is that your husband knows that you are innocent of what his mother isfabricating about you, hence your mother-in-law’sattitude does not have any negative impact on your marriage. Rather whatappears to be the case is that he seems to be sympathetic towards you, but itseems that he is not able to say anything to his mother.It seems that this is either because of the forcefulness of her character orbecause he is too weak to confront her.

As your mother-in-law’s attitude towardsyour parents is bad, as you describe, our advice is not to bring them togetherin the same place until Allah sets them straight. That is because no one knowswhat may happen as a result of her reviling and insulting them. Your family mayoften keep quiet but who can guarantee that they will keep quiet in the long term? There is no doubt that this reviling and insults in front of members ofboth families will have a far-reaching effect on them and will create resentmentand grudges in their hearts, hence the safest option is to strive to avoidbringing the two parties together in the same place.

Remember that whatever befalls you is atest with which Allah tests whomever he wills of His slaves, so respond to thatwith patience as is the way of the believer when faced with trials andcalamities, and respond to it with that which is best of words, actions andattitudes. Allah, may He be exalted, says (interpretation of the meaning):

“The good deed and the evil deed cannotbe equal. Repel (the evil) with one which is better (i.e. Allah ordered thefaithful believers to be patient at the time of anger, and to excuse those whotreat them badly), then verily! he, between whom andyou there was enmity, (will become) as though he was a close friend.

But none is granted it (the abovequality) except those who are patient, and none is granted it except the ownerof the great portion (of the happiness in the Hereafter i.e. Paradiseand in this world of a high moral character)”

[Fussilat 41:34, 35].

Remember that the consequences of beingpatient and responding with that which is best will be better for you in thisworld and in the Hereafter, in sha Allah. Allah, mayHe be exalted, says (interpretation of the meaning):

“But if you remain patient and becomepious, not the least harm will their cunning do toyou”

[Aal ‘Imraan 3:120].

It is extremely important to maintain astrong relationship with your husband and to grow closer to him and strengthenyour relationship with him by treating him kindly. We know that some sons areunable to confront their fathers or mothers with the truth with regard to theirwives, so they remain neutral, so accept that from him because it is betterthan him taking sides. Perhaps that will all be resolved soon and it willbecome history, or that resentment and dislike may turn into love andaffection.

If there is anyone who is wise in yourmother-in-law’s family, such as her brother or her uncle, let him intervene toadvise and exhort her. Perhaps Allah will guide her and set her straight with aword from one of them. Do not despair of her being guided, for Allah has guidedthose who were worse than her.

With regard to your husband’s sister, weadvise her to fear Allah, her Lord, and to remember that the consequences ofwrongdoing are serious; it is a sin for which Allah hastens the punishment inthis world. So support the wrongdoer by advising him, exhorting him and tryingto stop him, and support the one who is wronged by speaking up for his rightsand warding off harm from him. And let her beware of Allah punishing her in amanner that befits her crime.

We noticed your saying that yourhusband’s brother, who is the one who is supporting you, “lives with you”; wedo not know how old he is or the nature of your living arrangements, but weshould warn you against that against which the Prophet (blessings and peace ofAllah be upon him) warned us, which is being too lenient with regard to mixingwith and talking to the husband’s brother, let alone seeing one another andliving in the same house. All of that may lead to many evil consequences; it issufficient for us to know that our Prophet (blessings and peace of Allah beupon him) described the husband’s brother or relative – the “in-law” – asdeath! See the answer to question no. 13261.

We ask Allah to guide your family tothat which He loves and that which pleases Him, and to set things straightamong you.

And Allah knows best.

Source:

Islam Q&A

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