What should we do if my maternal aunt and her husband are trying to cause trouble for us and hurt us?
Question: 175995
My mums sister and her husband keep causing trouble for us. My mum and dad have mashAllah brought us all up to keep good relations with everyone even if they are not good to us. My mum’s sister and her husband are making our lives hell, they want us to hate everyone they hate in our family and not speak to everyone and basically break off ties with everyone. If we are nice to anyone, they keep phoning us and telling us off for being nice or they say it to our faces. My mum and I are getting very ill over this. I suffer with anxiety and panic attacks and she is making me so ill, she keeps making me cry, I get panic attacks because I am scared she may harm me or my family. We can’t afford to move away. What should we do? My patience is wearing thin. I want to be good to everyone but my mum’s sister won’t let us.
Praise be to Allah, and peace and blessings be upon the Messenger of Allah and his family.
Maintaining good relations with people is something for which you are to be
commended and is a good attitude to have. It is not permissible for your
maternal aunt, her husband or anyone else to try to spoil these good
relationships.
However, it is essential to note that the maternal aunt is of similar
standing to the mother, and she has rights that are prescribed in Islam
under the heading of maintaining ties of kinship and kind treatment. Hence
we advise you to be patient with her and to advise her and her husband, and
to use whatever you can of permissible and Islamically prescribed means to
make her stop her evil actions by means of wisdom and beautiful exhortation.
There is nothing wrong with seeking the help of those who you hope can
influence her with sound advice.
But if
mixing with them will lead to negative and evil consequences, then keeping a
distance from them is what one should do, but that should be done without
severing ties altogether, speaking ill of them in their absence, reviling
them and other acts that comes under the heading of bad manners that Allah
has forbidden.
Rather
one should strive to protect oneself against evil, harm and mischief as much
as possible; in that case it is sufficient to contact her by phone in order
to check on her and ask how she and her family are, and so on.
You
should treat them with kindness and use a subtle approach in protecting
yourself from their evil and the harm they cause to you and other people.
If
shunning them will have an effect on them and stop them from doing evil,
then there is nothing wrong with shunning them.
Shaykh
al-Islam said:
If a
person openly commits a major sin, then it is justifiable to punish him by
shunning and other means, even if shunning him may serve one’s own interest,
thus serving the shar‘i interest as much as possible.
End
quote.
Majmoo‘ al-Fataawa,
24/286
But if
the harm affects only you, then try to put up with your aunt’s annoyance as
much as you can, and adopt a gentle approach towards her, whilst protecting
your religious commitment from her and her husband.
It was
narrated from Abu Hurayrah (may Allah be pleased with him) that a man said:
O Messenger of Allah, I have relatives with whom I try to keep in touch, but
they cut me off. I treat them well, but they abuse me. I am patient and kind
towards them, but they insult me. He said: “If you are as you say, then it
is as if you are putting hot ashes in their mouths. Allah will continue to
support you as long as you continue to do that.”
Narrated by Muslim, 2558.
Shaykh
Ibn ‘Uthaymeen was asked:
My
paternal uncles hurt me by gossiping about me to other people; what should I
do with them? Should I cut off ties with them?
He
(may Allah have mercy on him) replied: Do not cut off ties with them. The
more one upholds ties even though the other party cuts him off, the better
it is. Do what is required of you in terms of upholding ties with them, and
leave the matter of their cutting you off to Allah, may He be glorified and
exalted. You will be rewarded if they annoy you and gossip about you to
other people, because that will only increase you in reward, and on the Day
of Resurrection you will take from their good deeds (hasanaat), if you did
not pardon them.
End
quote from Fataawa Noor ‘ala ad-Darb, 12/468
It
should be noted that severing ties of kinship is a major sin and it is a
very serious matter in the sight of Allah. Allah, may He be glorified and
exalted, says (interpretation of the meaning):
“Would you then, if you were given
the authority, do mischief in the land, and sever your ties of kinship?”
[Muhammad 47:22].
Muslim
(2556) narrated from Jubayr ibn Mut‘im (may Allah be pleased with him) that
the Messenger of Allah (blessings and peace of Allah be upon him) said: “No
one who severs ties of kinship will enter Paradise.”
In
conclusion,
You
should uphold ties of kinship as much as you can, whilst protecting
yourselves against their harm and annoyance. Do not give them any
opportunity to interfere in your lives and spoil relations between you and
other people; rather you should tell them not to do that; either they will
refrain or leave you alone.
May
Allah make things easy for you and protect you from the evil of what you
fear.
And
Allah knows best.
Source:
Islam Q&A
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