Parents Making Marriage Difficult
Question: 428339
I'm a 23 yr old woman living in the west who told my parents i want to get married a few years ago. The only method my mom has been using to find a spouse is thru an elderly respected Muslim in the community. However, we have only come across a few suitors thru her that did not interest me. I keep telling my mom to allow me to find a suitor through other means such as thru halal matrimony sites with a wali. I have already found online profiles I'm interested in. However my mom is stubborn and won't let me find a spouse online because she thinks it's shameful, nor is she going out of her way to find a spouse for me because she is busy. She is relying too much on the elderly woman and tells me to just make dua. She is also very picky and refuses to consider those who are not Arab even if they are religious. I feel with her rules and expectations i will never find a suitable spouse. My father and brothers do not help either. Unfortunately, my dad rejects hadith and cannot be relied upon. I feel extremely sad because i wanted to get married early but am getting older. Many of my friends have gotten married early because they dated behind their parent's backs. I wish she would realize they shouldn't make the halal hard and haram easy. She is harming me i don't know what to do. I've tried talking with my mom many times but she shames and silences me. But she may listen to your words. Could you please advise my mother so that i can show her? Could you write it in Arabic for her?
Praise be to Allah, and peace and blessings be upon the Messenger of Allah and his family.
Firstly:
What we see for you, honorable questioner, is that it is necessary to confront your parents – no matter the cost – with the fact that you are not convinced by their refusal, and that you are not prepared to wait for a long time, as you might miss the opportunity and the man your parents are waiting for may not come. The reason for their refusal is not legitimate, as looking down upon non-Arabs is a form of pre-Islamic tribalism that Islam has warned against. Allah Almighty says (interpretation of the meaning): O mankind, indeed We have created you from male and female and made you peoples and tribes that you may know one another. Indeed, the most noble of you in the sight of Allah is the most righteous of you. Indeed, Allah is Knowing and Acquainted. [Quran 49:13].
The Prophet Muhammad (peace and blessings be upon him) set religion and character as the criteria for accepting a spouse. Abu Hurairah (may Allah be pleased with him) reported: The Messenger of Allah (peace and blessings be upon him) said: "If someone with whose religion and character you are satisfied asks for your daughter in marriage, comply with his request. If you do not do so, there will be temptation on Earth and extensive corruption." [At-Tirmidhi 1084, Al-Albani classified it as sound in "Sahih at-Tirmidhi"].
Let the confrontation be in a wise manner, perhaps through a detailed and impactful letter you write to him (your father), while persistently supplicating to Allah to soften his heart and guide him to the right path.
Secondly:
There is no fault on you at all for your eagerness to marry. It is incumbent upon the families of every man and woman who desire to marry to assist them in this matter as much as they can. A woman needs this assistance more than a man; because the decision is not in her hands, as she cannot, according to custom and tradition, propose to a man, even though it is permissible from a Shariah perspective. Since a woman is sought after and cannot be the seeker, she needs her family's help to enable her social availability. For example, her brother could recommend her to his friends whose religion and character he is satisfied with, and her mother could suggest her to her acquaintances who have sons suitable for marriage, and so on.
`Umar ibn Al-Khattab (may Allah be pleased with him) proposed his daughter Hafsah for marriage after her husband died, offering her to `Uthman and Abu Bakr, then the Prophet (peace and blessings be upon him) married her, as in Sahih Al-Bukhari (4005).
And `Ali (may Allah be pleased with him) offered his daughter Umm Kulthum to `Umar ibn Al-Khattab, and he married her.
Thirdly:
We do not recommend marriage through internet sites, as there are many undesirable individuals there, and it is easy to deceive people through these sites. On the internet, a person can pretend to be ideal, and it is very difficult to know the truth of the matter. It might be the opposite of what you imagine. Therefore, we must restrain our emotions with the bridle of reason, unlike marriages based on real-life acquaintances.
Fourthly:
Regarding your request for advice for your mother on the subject – which is the focus of your question – we in turn direct this message to your honorable mother, may Allah make her one of the keys to goodness.
Honorable Mother…
Peace be upon you, and the mercy and blessings of Allah.
Our honorable mother, one of the greatest responsibilities that Allah will question parents about, and which they are obligated towards their children, especially daughters, is facilitating their marriage. Delaying it for an illegitimate reason is non-compliance with the command of Allah Almighty who says (Interpretation of the meaning): And marry the unmarried among you and the righteous among your male slaves and female slaves. [Quran 24:32]; meaning facilitate the marriage of those who are not married and marry them off. The commentators said: The verse commands guardians to marry off their daughters and not to leave them single – unmarried – because that is more chaste for them. So, we must comply with the command of Allah.
Know that looking at people based on nationality or ethnicity is due to customs dominating people's minds more than Shariah and reason.
And all the good is in following the guidance of Muhammad (peace and blessings be upon him): "If someone with whose religion and character you are satisfied asks for your daughter in marriage, comply with his request. If you do not do so, there will be temptation on Earth and extensive corruption." Narrated by At-Tirmidhi (1048) and others, and Al-Albani classified it as good.
How many a girl whose family refused to marry her off, and she became the temptation that the Prophet (peace and blessings be upon him) warned against. So, be keen to marry her to the one she desires, if he is someone whose religion and character are satisfactory, and do not pay attention to customs that erode society. And may Allah take care of you.
The pre-Islamic customs that look at people based on nationality or ethnicity are ignorant customs with no basis in the religion of Allah; rather, Islam came to purify souls from them. The Prophet (peace and blessings be upon him) said: "Indeed, Allah has removed from you the pride of Jahiliyyah (pre-Islamic tribalism) and boasting about one's lineage. [A person is either] a pious believer or a miserable sinner. All of you are children of Adam, and Adam was created from dust." Narrated by Abu Dawud (5116) and others, and Al-Albani classified it as good.
If anyone should be strict about such matters and refuse to marry his daughter to someone who is not from his people or skin color, then this should be discarded from the wise consideration (especially) in Western countries, where Muslims live as minorities, and the choices from "nationalities" are greatly reduced, and people's circumstances are constrained. Rather, Muslims in such countries should be more united than their normal circumstances in their home countries.
May Allah guide us and you to what is good for Muslims, and improve the conditions of Muslims, their homes, and their offspring.
And Allah knows best.
Source:
Islam Q&A
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